I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
