I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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