Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize