he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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