Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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