Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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