Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
