flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
