Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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