Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
