Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
