Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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