he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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