I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
