sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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