Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
false alarm, still single
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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