She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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