I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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