question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
