Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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