I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize