Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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