I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she looked like the before picture.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
