I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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