I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's never too late to be topless.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
