Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize