I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
