So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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