watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
