im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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