whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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