she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
