hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
