The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
