at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
