i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
