I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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