So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
