I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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