I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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