My underwear smells like fireworks.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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