Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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