So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
