based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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