Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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