I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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