I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
