dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
