If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
