He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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