Tell her she can't have a vagina
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
