Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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