I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
