and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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