there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
