Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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