Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
