Just fell off a train. Bad.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
