she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
