If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
