Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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