I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
