I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
