I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
