Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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