the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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