I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
