ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
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